Labels, layabouts and those ladies who lunch

Labels, layabouts and those ladies who lunch
BY JOAN LAU

THIS must have happened to you at some time or other: You call up somebody and the receptionist or secretary at the other end of the line goes, "Joan (insert your own name here) from where?" Or you are at a party and the person you are introduced to asks, "Where are you attached to?" (The latter question is peculiarly Malaysian, don't you think?)

I had never thought anything about these kinds of questions till I lost my job. Suddenly, I wasn't from anywhere or attached to any place... except to myself. Me. I was often tempted to answer, "I'm actually from Ipoh but I have now lived in Kuala Lumpur longer than I ever did in Ipoh. So, I am technically from Ipoh but I really should say Kuala Lumpur."

But I didn't think the secretary or receptionist wanted to get involved\nin my hometown loyalty issues. So, yes, people tend to judge you by the company you work for, or own. And the job title you hold. It's a status thing, I guess. They want to quickly figure out how important/rich/powerful (or not) you are.

I remember watching one episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show, where this guy who was vice-president at Microsoft in charge of operations in China had quit his job. Yes, he had given up the business-class seats, limousine pick-ups at the airport, and a whopping salary (not to mention share options) because he found something much more fulfilling to do with his life: Build libraries for rural communities all over the world.

He talked about how people would avoid him at parties because he was suddenly "nobody". He said the minute he answered the inevitable question— "So what do you do?" — the other party would make some excuse and move away.

I laughed when I heard his story because in some ways, I have been there, too. When I was freelancing for about eight months between jobs, it really hit home how you get judged by the job you do.

"Freelancer" — in this country anyway — has come to mean that you are just not good enough to get a permanent gig in a real office, or you are a dilettante, playing at being a writer/photographer/whatever. Since I didn't carry a RM5,000 handbag or wear designer casuals, I guess most people thought I belonged to the former category.

It very seldom occurs to people that freelancing is very often a career choice. I know some really good writers who have refused permanent positions simply because they prefer to write what they are interested in, and not what their boss tells them to. And the price they pay is less pay!Who would want to work for less pay? A weird concept, right? Well, not really. At the end of the day, people who choose to freelance have put a value on their free time.

I enjoyed my time as a freelancer — contrary to what most people believe, you actually have to be more disciplined when you freelance and if you don't work, you don't eat, simple. But I found out something about myself during that time. I actually prefer the structure and routine of a full-time job. Not to mention the medical benefits!

But back to the guy building libraries. He is mixing with a different crowd now... people invite him home for dinner and he is attracting like-minded spirits from everywhere. So, it is not that he doesn't go to parties any more, just a different kind.

Six years ago today, something happened that forever changed the way we would look at people. After 9/11, a different kind of label came into play: Your skin colour, name and religion suddenly made you suspect. Racial profiling became the norm. Maybe it was always there but after 9/11 it became permissible to openly label people.But it's not just the Americans who do it.

Closer to home, this kind of labelling happens all the time. A friend of mine, who happens to wear a tudung, told me about how this other Malay girl (no tudung and educated in the United States) did not speak to her at some event because she thought my friend couldn't speak English!

So yes, it happens here, too. We label each other and come to the most ridiculous conclusions: She is doing her Master's at the London School of Economics so she must be really smart, and he didn't go to university so he must be a loser. Right? Actually, she's just fortunate and he did not have the means.

I'm very often guilty of doing the same. I once attended morning yoga classes (one of the perks of not having to go to an office every day) and very quickly realised my classmates were of the Ladies Who Lunch category.

While we smiled at each other and exchanged pleasantries before class, I didn't think I could ever be friends with them. What would we talk about? Handbags? Shopping? Holidays abroad?How wrong I was. I had labelled them simply as Rich Housewives but they were so much more. They turned out to be some of the wittiest, most generous-hearted women I have ever known. So what if they drove expensive cars or lived in huge houses?

I think we would be better off asking a different set of questions the next time we have to make small talk at some dinner party or other: Do you like chocolate and peanut butter? What is your favourite movie? What was the last book you read and would you recommend it?

I'll start first, shall I? Yes, chocolate and peanut butter is a great combo (try it out at Baskin Robbins), one of my favourite movies is Cinema Paradiso, and you must read Diane Setterfield's The Thirteenth Tale. And yes, I am still attached to myself.